dear fourteen old self,

life will be nothing like you thought it would be.
but it will still be okay.

you will not have those twins and that marriage at twenty-five
and you know what?
you are better off without.
this will become very obvious on that one day you are running late (what else is new?) and it is minus 40 out (what else is new?) and you shove your still wet hair into a wool toque and race outside.
there is no way you could have gotten yourself plus two small children out the door 25 minutes earlier.
and there is something sort of beautiful about that.

to your surprise, you will actually be a skeptic of marriage.
in the end, it isn't for you.
but  you know what is?
love is.
finding someone to really see and finding someone who really sees you back.
that search will outshine any white dress and gold band.

people will hurt you. immensely.
they will not apologize.
forgive them anyway
because, at the end of the day, you are the one who bears the burden.
you are the one who stays up wondering how someone could be so tactless, so hurtful, so terribly rude...
and then, well, then they have really won.
don't let them.
let it slide like water off a duck's back.
they will have to live each day knowing that they are tactless, hurtful and terribly rude.
and doesn't that just burn?

once you walk out of those dreadful teenage years, you will begin to see that only what you think matters.
no one else.
people are stubborn and slightly delusional. they will believe something because they want to. and they will create their reasoning and their proof for that belief in their head. and they will not sway.
and you know what?
it is not your job to make them sway.
you are not here to persuade. 
you are here to flourish.
so do just that.

because i have nothing to say

but so much to ponder...


"And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe that every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of a forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe that if you follow this love all the way to its end, if you start with the thing you find most beautiful and trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like  the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon"

- Geneen Roth, Women Food and God

seven

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.

as a child, there was nothing i wanted more than financial independence.
i disliked that my mum had to buy my jelly sandals (am i dating myself here?)
i loathed that people had to care for me financially.
it did not seem fair.
i wanted to care for me.

it was nothing short of frustrating
and i needed a solution.

off i went to my mini kitchen to ponder.
oh, yes, i had a mini kitchen.
i ran a make believe household.
it was practically effortless what with all the non-existent meal preparation, plastic children who did not move nor speak and the spotless, never-been-used utensils.

what is so damn hard about this being a "mom" thing?
it seems pretty simple. 

i played house just as much as any young girl is encouraged to do.
i had dolls that were my kids and i cooed
and i fed and i burped and i changed their clothes
and then i set them down
and i went to work.

yes, that was my solution.
i gave myself a job because i damn well could.

i was a veterinarian.
a very very serious veterinarian.
some times i was a teacher but usually, i was a vet.
and i would pull out my little toiletry case filled with pedicure tools
and i would puncture my stuffed animals (vaccinations!)
and i would wrap their little paws in paper (casts!)
and i would comfort them when their tummies ached (too many treats?!)

even thick into socialization, i made sure i had a job.
and a damn good one.
financial independence was always important to me
and it still is.

i wish i could say that i saved as much as i could
as soon as i landed my first gig a day after sixteen
but i didn't.
i did not think that far ahead.

i was somewhere between a make believe vet and a lost high school student.
but it is never too late.
it is never too late to tap into that young child who was so dedicated to her make believe vet practice that she skipped lunch and fell asleep on the job.
she dreamt of a big breezy office, happiness and the kind of freedom that comes from knowing when to spend and knowing when to save.
it took her years to know the difference.
and, to be honest, she is still learning.

surrendering

i cannot meditate worth a damn.

i tried. so many times.
people who meditate seem so well put together

i could be them.

or so i thought.

my first meditation class can only be described as pure hell.
i was hungry (read: bored)
my foot was asleep
my low back ached
and there were raucous children just outside the window

this is good

the teacher said.

this is good practice. these kids will help you get deeper into what is supposed to be happening here.

in the end, all i wanted was to go was find those children
and open up a serious dialogue about tomfoolery.

i recently tried again.
two minutes in..
my foot was asleep..
i readjusted
another minutes goes by..
my other foot is asleep..
i am cussing in my head
i desperately want a snack.
how do people even do this?
what is the point of being well put together, anyway?
i am a mess.
i am a god damn mess.

i opened my eyes and was pretty damn sure it had been 45 minutes.

it had been five.

you may wonder why on earth i subjected myself to meditation over and over again

it is because i am searching for the voice
there is some sort of voice that functions on some sort of level that appears at some sort of time and says really profound things about life.
far fetched, right?
i don't seem to mind.
i want the damn voice.
and so it came as a shock when the voice appeared rather unannounced.

there was a brief time of my life where i would wake up at 3 am

three in the morning

there was nothing around that would wake me
i would just wake up.
and moments later, the anxiety would kick in
and low and behold, i would be brewing a pot of tea at 3:30 am.

one morning, i awoke

three in the morning

blink blink
and stared at the ceiling
just about to beg and plead and barter with no one in particular

what do you want? what is it? i will do whatever you want. just let me sleep.

and it said

go back to bed, brittany.

and i did.
and the 3 am wake up calls stopped.

yes, i believe this was my sought-after encounter with the voice.
the ever-so-allusive voice.
and i have been thinking about it a lot as of late because there are so many things that i want
so many aspirations and so many goals and so much love
and i just decided...
what if i stop?
what if i let whatever-the-hell-i-am-supposed-to-be-looking-for find me?

to surrender is frightening  but i am not sure i have ever felt so alive.

so...
dear universe,
i am yours.
do with me as you wish.
love,
brittany

five and six

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.

these two belong together.
as odd as it seems, their pairing is clear in my mind. 

i remember reading a book years ago about women who studied so hard and thought they would change the world. 
they truly believed they had something viable to contribute that would shift the paradigms as we know it and then they graduated and were met with student debt, rejection and, good lord, were they humbled.

i remember reading this book and creating a distinct line between myself and them.
they, well they just don't have the ambition that i have.
they, well they just don't realize their full potential.
and then i graduated, and, good lord, i was humbled.

let's call it like it is folks.
my "useless" bachelors degree does appear to be useless.
in this job market, no one is interested.

actually, i shouldn't say no one.
after all, i did speak to a few potential employers but they:
a) did not bother to read my cv and had no idea who i was
b) were belligerently rude after i drove through the biggest snow storm of the season to be there
c) called me to speak about a job i never applied for (sort of like a except they did know my name this go 'round)

aye, i was humbled.

but that does not mean i regret anything.
i would do it all over again.
every single class, every single reading, every single break down, every single presentation.
i would do it again.
because in those classes, i found myself and i found my interests and passions and i also found things i did not care about.
those classes shaped me as a person.

yes, it is hard to wake every day and not beat yourself up over the fact that you are an incredibly hard worker, passionate and busting at the seams and yet no one seems to care.
oh, and there is that mound of student debt too. 
sure, it is damn hard.

and that's where freedom comes in.

i knew right away that in order to survive this post-grad abyss with some sort of grace, i would need to turn things around.
i would need to accept that this time in my life may be the only time i have to explore my interests, to read for hours on end, to brew pots of tea and crochet scarves. to live with my parents and laugh with them and care for them.
once life gets going, it may just go fast. 

this may be the time i am given to get to know myself, to find my calling and then to chase it like hell.
and i would be a fool to overlook that.
so i took time that could be spent loathing post-grad life and turned it into light and flighty freedom.

the degree will become something.
some day.
but what is the sense in loathing every minute until it does?

there is no sense in that.
i know enough to know that.
and for now, that is enough.

uncertainty

he says

no one knows where they will be or who they will be there with

and i get lost in the freckles peeking out of his shirt and think

i want to go there

four

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.

i will likely never forget the day she stormed in, hastily and filled with angst.

she threw the bag on the counter and demanded a refund
and

why the hell weren't you open twenty minutes ago?

and the answer was so simple

we don't open till noon.

with the greatest exhale i have ever witnessed, she hissed that she needed to return these earrings.

halt.

sorry, ma'am*. i cannot return earrings. it is against the health code.

*yeah, i was nice enough to call this pulsating puffing creature before me "ma'am"

all the sudden she was screaming.
a grown woman, standing in front of me and simply losing her shit
because she could not return a pair of earrings.

i wish i could remember what she said.
but i cannot because i was so deeply frightened by humanity.

here we are.
you, screaming at me at the the top of your lungs over a pair of earrings that were likely crafted by some poor child in china.
and, me, thinking about the child and how they are likely a lot more mature than you,
wanting to give you a refund to appease the toddler that has emerged in you suddenly
but also wanting to keep my job.
how truly ugly is this?
humanity will completely demonize each other at the drop of a teeny tiny earring.

so, yes, i suppose i know a thing or two about how to keep my cool and say nice things to people.
but that is not something i learned in a service job.
that is something i learned in life.
and if you really think one must work a service job to know how to treat others properly,
i'll let you in on a little secret...
i saw that woman days later.

at her service job.

three

3. Minimize your passivity.

as a woman, passivity is a trait that was deeply embedded in my psyche along with a few other so-called innate traits.
i learned to be quiet and pleasant and compliant and, as i aged, i decided to break some of those rules
and, as a woman, i was shoved right back into passivity.
so i learned to play the same game but with different rules. my rules.

i wear passivity different now.
as a young child, i was shy and scared.
as a young woman, i was shy and feared less.
as a woman, i am learning to ask for the things that i need.
to clarify what needs to be clarified
and to do the sole thing required for all prosperous adult relationships

communicate, communicate, communicate.

at twenty four, the minimization of passivity looks like a bar ledge
and a man who approaches me and asks if i want a drink
and i decline
and he approaches me again, minutes later, asking me the same thing
and i decline
and he approaches me again, minutes later, asking me the same thing

and i sternly say

listen, i was not interested in your offer 5 minutes ago, nor three minutes ago nor am i interested now. if i wanted a drink, i would have accepted the first time.

 he, stunned that this woman could speak so sternly in his direction after a seemingly innocent offer, does not say anything except for

wow.

and what more is there to say, really?
when you finally give yourself permission to ask for the things you want, refuse the things that you do not want and articulate your deepest desires.

wow.

i finally have the self-given right to say

i need a hug and any strangers embrace will do the trick right now.
i need you to stop talking to me like i am a child.
i need you to stop neglecting me.

these are all things that require permission to say.
we cannot come right out and say these things.
to express yourself so pin-pointedly is frowned upon.
we are to take things as they come and be damn well happy that they came at all.

who says?

welcome to the game.

two

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.

i can count the number of men i have kissed on one hand.

there are two reasons for this.

first: i was raised under the rule of "if they want it, make them work for it"
as it turns out, there aren't a lot of men who want to work for it.
it seems like too much work to amuse a wily woman all for a single kiss.
i guess it might be.
but for those who choose to play...damn, is it fun.

second: i am a hopeless romantic
despite the realist in me, i still believe in true love.
i know better. really, i do.
love is a lot of work.
and a lot of compromise.
and a lot of communication.
and, sometimes, a lot of pain.
but i still believe in moonlit kisses between two people who can feel their heart beat a mile per minute when their only other walks into the room.
i still believe in the giddiness that is love and first dates and sometimes second dates.
and i still believe in holding hands and kissing cheeks and completely losing one self in the eyes of another.
yes, i do.

all that being said, 
i really do believe in free love.

co·nun·drum  

/kəˈnəndrəm/

Noun A confusing and difficult problem or question. A question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.

Synonyms riddle - puzzle - enigma - mystery

kissing one and kissing all is just fine with me.
i don't mind if you have five wives, two husbands, a whole commune of people in love.
i don't mind at all.
love is beautiful.
why not enjoy it in multiples?

if it sounds like i might be testing the waters of monogamy, it is only because i am.
i don't truly believe humans are meant to be monogamous
(says the woman who has been monogamous for five years. 
please revert back to the definition of conundrum)
but it has been forced on us for several reasons and so here we are.
making it work the best way we know how.
and, it is just as beautiful as free love. 
isn't it?

alas, i don't believe that kissing people "out of my league" will make or break my life.
in fact, i don't believe in "leagues".
i think that recognizing my conundrums and then living the hell out of my life with them in mind
...aye...that is where life really starts.

one

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.


 "Our parents are the primal source. We make our own lives, but our origin stories are theirs. They go back with us to the beginning of time"
- sugar

i could tell you many things about my parents.
i could tell you that they not so much left the nest as much as they were booted out
with a baby in a belly, a cardboard box filled with clothes and a mattress on the floor.
i could tell you that they struggled for years.
but they loved each other.
and that love was all that they needed.
i could tell you that they survived the loss of a child and many more hardships to come and they did it all with so much grace, gratitude and faith that it would make the heart of the hardest man turn to putty.
but that is not my story to tell.

perhaps all you really need to know about my parents is where they leave off and i begin.
now that is a story to tell.
and it just so happens to be my story to tell.

if i ever forgot that my parent's wanted the best for me, it was temporary.
and it was probably riddled with teenage angst.
those were the days that i fought to dissociate.
to break the origin.
but, as life would have it, one can never dissociate from their parents entirely.
they are point b.
and there are many times i raced to them seeking salvation.

and one time in particular...

the first time in my adulthood that someone carelessly toyed with my heart,
(actually, they ripped it out, stomped on it 50 times and then once more just to make sure it was no longer beating..but that is a different story entirely)
i arrived home and there was my mom, proud as could be about her christmas lights.
i had a lump the size of a mountain in my throat and i was unsure if i was going to scream or cry.

come! come see the lights!

and i did. i really only wanted to hurl over and forget it all.
but i looked at the lights and i said they looked real nice.
because she had worked so hard on them.
and, really, they did look nice.

moments later i was on the other side of my door.
and i was on the floor.
and there were tears. everywhere.
perhaps she heard me weeping or perhaps she just knew
moments later she was there on the other side of the door with me.
she knew better than to ask.
i couldn't respond.
not yet.

she held my hand till my breathing regained a somewhat normal rhythm and i told her what had happened.
i could not look at her because i was ashamed and felt like nothing short of an idiot.

and then i felt her tears hit me.
and she wrapped me in her arms and said

i'm sorry this happened to you.

and in that moment, i understood that this was equally hard for her.
she was heartbroken and so was i.
we were back at the origin and we were together.

the next morning i was on the floor on the tub and there were tears everywhere.

maybe he heard.
maybe he just knew.
but after i emerged, there was a letter on the cupboard that read

britt,
i love YOU.

he loved me.
someone else no longer did.
but he did.
and for the first time in 12 hours, i smiled.

this is the tale that outshines all other tales of their unwavering love.
the tale that pinpoints us both together, completely wrapped up in each others feelings
and completely unapologetic for it.

parents.

my parents,

point b.