surrendering

i cannot meditate worth a damn.

i tried. so many times.
people who meditate seem so well put together

i could be them.

or so i thought.

my first meditation class can only be described as pure hell.
i was hungry (read: bored)
my foot was asleep
my low back ached
and there were raucous children just outside the window

this is good

the teacher said.

this is good practice. these kids will help you get deeper into what is supposed to be happening here.

in the end, all i wanted was to go was find those children
and open up a serious dialogue about tomfoolery.

i recently tried again.
two minutes in..
my foot was asleep..
i readjusted
another minutes goes by..
my other foot is asleep..
i am cussing in my head
i desperately want a snack.
how do people even do this?
what is the point of being well put together, anyway?
i am a mess.
i am a god damn mess.

i opened my eyes and was pretty damn sure it had been 45 minutes.

it had been five.

you may wonder why on earth i subjected myself to meditation over and over again

it is because i am searching for the voice
there is some sort of voice that functions on some sort of level that appears at some sort of time and says really profound things about life.
far fetched, right?
i don't seem to mind.
i want the damn voice.
and so it came as a shock when the voice appeared rather unannounced.

there was a brief time of my life where i would wake up at 3 am

three in the morning

there was nothing around that would wake me
i would just wake up.
and moments later, the anxiety would kick in
and low and behold, i would be brewing a pot of tea at 3:30 am.

one morning, i awoke

three in the morning

blink blink
and stared at the ceiling
just about to beg and plead and barter with no one in particular

what do you want? what is it? i will do whatever you want. just let me sleep.

and it said

go back to bed, brittany.

and i did.
and the 3 am wake up calls stopped.

yes, i believe this was my sought-after encounter with the voice.
the ever-so-allusive voice.
and i have been thinking about it a lot as of late because there are so many things that i want
so many aspirations and so many goals and so much love
and i just decided...
what if i stop?
what if i let whatever-the-hell-i-am-supposed-to-be-looking-for find me?

to surrender is frightening  but i am not sure i have ever felt so alive.

so...
dear universe,
i am yours.
do with me as you wish.
love,
brittany