so-called grownups

there is a great big tree
that sits outside my classroom window.

somewhere between broken french and giggling fits
i stare at this tree.

subconsciously i am waiting for it to tell me something remarkable
consciously i know it is impossible.

but that is only what these so-called grownups say.
these grownups, they really do take things seriously.
they must!
they have so much responsibility,
there is no time to play games.
and there is certainly no time to marvel at trees
and wait for some kind of life-altering narrative to appear.

and, so, i have decided
that becoming a grownup
is simply an unattractive idea.

i have yet to work out the details
but my new career as a quasi-adult is blossoming
and i will perfect it one day.

on knowing

she knew she could not sit here and watch it over and over again. that her heart would eventually meet her mind somewhere above her sunken stomach and she knew that that meeting would be frightening. it would be a revelation. one she could not prepare for. it was out of her hands. and yet very close to her heart.

for a long time, she could not stop it. she fumbled around the concept of knowing. knowing what she knew, not knowing what she would never know and accepting that she could not know it all.

and admitting that she, in fact, knew it all along.

and then her heart burst. metaphorically.
and she understood.

they were memories.
and if they were to be memories, she may as well only remember the good ones.
and these memories did not fall under that category.
so she let them go.

and when she did
it was as if she literally let them go.
everything was lighter.
she felt loved.
she felt accepted.
she felt like she had worth.

but she knows she knew that all along.

she realized that all the time she spent pondering,
was time she missed the love that surrounded her daily.

the beings that came into her life to love her
and for her to love back.

and, that, was what she really needed all along.
she simply lost her way.
and then, she resurfaced
invigorated.

on blending in with my surroundings

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who would have thought
that venturing down the halls of the university
could be so mind boggling.
anxiety-inducing.
frightening.

you just never know
when a certain french anyone
will appear
(seemingly out of nowhere)
and start conversing in french

i try.
but for goodness sake.
my mother tongue prevails all the time.
it is my gut instinct.

i know they speak french
and apparently i do too?

they want me to speak french
i want to speak french.

but i just cannot muster up the words.

here is hoping that weekend of good rest
will put some (useful) french words into my mind.

say what?

i may be a little preoccupied with insects these days.
mainly bees.

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who would have thought

that there would come a day

that i would look at my bank account

cringe

empty my piggy bank

roll it

exchange it for money

and donate that money to charity

it appears as though i have very little

and, yet, there are people who have less.

ebb and flow.

i told myself i would be better this year.

i would handle it all better.

i wouldn't hibernate.

i wouldn't sulk.

and, most importantly, i wouldn't complain.

first day of snow fall..

and here i am

on the verge of sulking, complaining and, yes, contemplating hibernation.

i need some winter inspiration.

and i have found some.

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to be enough.

she wonders how it would feel to be enough.

to know enough.

to laugh enough.

to run enough.

to love enough.

to be enough.

to ignore numbers,

when it comes to self-worth.

to silence the voice

deep inside her heart.

to confront the voice

whose only purpose is to warn her.

this voice, this voice is true.

it is tangible.

and it cares.

it engulfs her.

it is brutally honest.

and she cannot take it.

she refuses to take it.

it is easier to run

to avoid it all.

the inevitable.

perhaps if the inevitable would occur,

that voice would change.

it would offer guidance, support, kindness.

it would inform her

of her talents,

of her beauty,

of her inherit need to love,

and how this need is so very needed in this world.

she will never know.

or will she?

time is the only option.

so let her keep wasting time,

keep wandering aimlessly

searching for the one thing she desires

acceptance.

the front

she wants to brave.

she knows she cannot be.

instead, she contemplates stopping time

fighting the ticking clocks

revolting against the whole idea of life

she knows she cannot

and yet she wants to

she cannot seem to understand.

to prepare.

she observes from afar.

with a beating heart

that beats a little faster

when she thinks of the inevitable.

and this fear

and this front

follow her everywhere.

she wants to let it all go.

to slump down,

limp as she can manage,

and fold onto the floor.

heaving

breathing

avoiding.

instead

she fronts.

she pretends.

and she manages to wake up each day

with a renewed sense of life.

what else can she do?

nothing.

j'aime beaucoup

Carving the Mountains from Juan Rayos on Vimeo.

i like.

a lot.

run-ins with my future daughter

yup.

this post is going to be exactly what the title says.

start your creepy sci-fi background music.........now!

so i'm at a venue.

i'm washing my hands.

and two little girls come up to the sink beside me.

one little girl leaves the water running and goes to leave.

her friend confronts her "dude! don't leave the water running!"

the water-waster sighs and says "whatever dude, the concert is starting. let's go. who cares?"

the wee-little environmentalist says "dude! i care. and you should too. water is way more important than this stupid concert."

blink. blink.

this must be my daughter.

we must be in the future.

i am staring at her.

i wonder if she thinks i am crazy already.

she likely does.

i was hoping it would take her years to figure that out.