on knowing

she knew she could not sit here and watch it over and over again. that her heart would eventually meet her mind somewhere above her sunken stomach and she knew that that meeting would be frightening. it would be a revelation. one she could not prepare for. it was out of her hands. and yet very close to her heart.

for a long time, she could not stop it. she fumbled around the concept of knowing. knowing what she knew, not knowing what she would never know and accepting that she could not know it all.

and admitting that she, in fact, knew it all along.

and then her heart burst. metaphorically.
and she understood.

they were memories.
and if they were to be memories, she may as well only remember the good ones.
and these memories did not fall under that category.
so she let them go.

and when she did
it was as if she literally let them go.
everything was lighter.
she felt loved.
she felt accepted.
she felt like she had worth.

but she knows she knew that all along.

she realized that all the time she spent pondering,
was time she missed the love that surrounded her daily.

the beings that came into her life to love her
and for her to love back.

and, that, was what she really needed all along.
she simply lost her way.
and then, she resurfaced
invigorated.