practicing happiness

you know those days where everything seems so damn right?

days, moments, fleeting seconds where the universe lines up directly with your desires and you feel perfectly fulfilled?
like you could walk off the curb and step into nonexistence and everything would be perfect as it currently is.
there would be no regrets.
no what ifs.
everything is as it should be.

happiness.

sometimes this fleeting intense happiness rushes over me when i am nearly asleep
and i cannot help but kick my feet sporadically in a little happy dance
because right now...at 10:34 p.m.
things are so damn right.

please tell me you know what i mean...

apparently this feeling is like a muscle.
or so they say.
the more you use it, the more pronounced it gets.

....how absolutely delicious is that?

happiness...although fleeting...can be called upon when you truly need it.

boom.
happy.


i quite like that theory.

grateful and, yet,

a degree.

a piece of paper that claims i know something.
i am sure i do.
but what?

to hell with it.

i refused to go to my conovcation
and i refused to buy a frame and place this paper on my wall.
what for?

it would be an outright lie to say that i didn't work hard
countless sleepless nights
edits after edits after edits
that one break down over the bhagavad gita.

it would be a fib to say i am not proud.
i am.
but i am not sure what this paper really means.
for other peers, this paper is responsible for carving out their paths
for me, it is simply a tree that should have stayed a tree.

it does not define me.
it does not decide what my future will be.

i do.

and while this little paper might have some weight in what potentials rest in my future,
it is nothing without me. it seizes to exist without me.


people approach me with nothing but excitement

you are done now, right?!

yup....i suppose i am.

so, now what?

silence.


between follow your dreams and grow up already,
i rest.
i close my eyes, put my feet up and rest.

i think about four years ago,
running on love and sporadic dreams

let's go.
let's hit the road to mexico, buy a goat and never look back.

and he would say

i'll go anywhere as long as you are there

the dream

i dreamt that i was in her home once again
and everything was as it was before we took it all down
and placed it in boxes
and dispersed it all between the family.

the laughter and chatter that was normally around at family functions filled the room
and i found that special place on the couch.
the one i always liked.

and then there she was.
in a hospital gown.
and she said

oh, those pumpkin cookies. those must be old.

and i thought

i will eat them any way. they are all i have left of you. i will eat every last crumb.

but i said

let me do your dishes

and i walked over to the sink, plunged my hands into the warm water and looked out the window placed just above.
when you looked out of this window, you were able to see the grave yard.
and one tombstone in particular. the one that belongs to her husband, my grandpa.

some things are planned.
perfectly so.



i woke up to tears streaming down my face.
and then i felt his hand on my hip and i knew it was okay.