good actors

when i was little all i really wanted to be was an adult.
they really seemed to have a handle on this thing called life.
they really had it together.
evidently...they were really good actors.

no one warned me that life could be such a soul-sucking menace
on the flip side, of course, life is a beautiful, nourishing entity that i feel honoured to live.
but it is a fine line.
at this stage of life, it is a very very fine line.

at 24, i still feel like a child.
unsure, eager and scared shitless.

i digress.

the fire alarm rang out in my friend's apartment building and within minutes, people lined the streets, holding their prized possessions lest they lose everything they have ever had. for some reason, the image was spectacular. neighbours - but really, more like strangers - standing on the dimly lit street, winter woolies hastily wrapped around necks and mittens stuffed in pockets. people holding that one thing they know they could not live without..
a hard drive
a cat
lip chap
a cell phone

i started to think, what would i take? at 24, what do i have?

nothing.

at 24, i have a degree in an obscure program, a couple skeins of wool, a five year track record as a receptionist, a bin of worms and a couple of books.

full circle.
scared shitless.

as much as i am exhausted of this stage of life...i fear i have nothing substantial to show for it.
i turn up empty-handed.
hopeless.
like i played a very long and intense game and, in the end, the screen went dark and the words
please try again
danced across the screen


days like this, i have to remind myself that it won't always be like this.
there will come a time when i may actually be on steady ground.
if only for a few minutes.
all i can hope is that my path will show itself and soon
because, despite it all, i still believe in it.

it..the calmness that signifies you are right in the place at the right time.

i still do.