on beauty

some time ago i wandered into a classroom.
and there sat a woman. and i, appeased by her beauty, was stunned.
i deemed this woman one of the most beautiful women i have seen.
i quickly noticed her boots. and because i had to know…

where did you get those boots?! i love them.

oh these? my friend bought them at value village for seven dollars and gave them to me when she moved, she said between chomping away on an apple.

swoon.

she was not wearing an ounce of makeup. nor was she beautiful by the societal values we place upon beauty.
she was not particularly thin and not particularly large either
she was blonde but a natural sun-streaked blonde
she was freckled
she didn’t even shave her legs.
but she glowed. My god, did she glow.
part of this was due to the fact that she had just bicycled to this destination.
that post-bicycle sweat. but more so than any of that,

she was happy. she was so gosh darn happy.

i have been pondering beauty a lot as of late.
beauty.
the thing that decides how we feel about ourselves that particular day.

am i beautiful today? no? well maybe tomorrow i will be beautiful.

the thing that young women of our generation obsess over.

am i beautiful?

it doesn’t matter that they are intelligent, kind, powerful little beings
and that their sense of moral justice outshines the sun on the brightest summer days.
no.
if they are not beautiful, if they do not possess beauty then they believe they are nothing.
i was one of these critters. spry and fresh, bopping around life trying to find a place.
any place as long i looked beautiful in it.
people would meet me and say “your job must be being beautiful”and i would happily comply.
forgetting that i was kind, smart, dedicated and caring. forgetting that i was so able to do many things. forgetting that i was able to read a novel with an acute eye for wrong-doing. forgetting that, even then, i was able to hold down my own in a debate
i forgot. And i only focused on one thing: being beautiful.

it didn’t take long to realize that beauty was something i would never possess.
not the society-based ideal.

i dyed my hair. i tanned to a red crisp. i bought make up. and more make up. i dieted. i weighed myself. i bought clothes for the sake of buying clothes. for the sake of being beautiful. i still felt inept. *

finally.
i gave up. not wholly. there are still days, times, moments of days, where i look in the mirror and think

who have i let down today? i don’t look beautiful.

but i am working on it. always working towards this thing called inner beauty. the only kind of beauty i am sure of. the only thing i – myself – can possess. it is tangible. and it is mine. now i am able to leave my hair naturally itself and let the sun do with it what it will. i am able to run, bike and do yoga because it makes me happy. not because it makes my hips shrink. there are days i forgo make up all together because i want to. and there are days i apply a quick coat of mascara because i want to. but i never depend on these things to make me happy. i know better. if i want happy, i look for it in other places.

a book. my garden. a great soup. a debate where i use every intellectual cell i have in my body. a yoga practice. a chance to praise my body however big or small it may be. a cup of tea. a cozy sweater. a bike ride. finding that certain je ne sais quoi in people. beet greens. i do not care to be beautiful.
i care to be happy. the beauty will follow suit.

one of the most beautiful girls in the world rolled out her yoga mat right beside mine yesterday.
i believe i willed her there. i thought so intently about this all for so long, she eventually found her way back into my life.
it was thrilling to move beside her, both of us loving our bodies in their imperfect ways.
and after, i felt happy.
and, if i do say so myself, dewy with fresh sweat

i felt beautiful.


*i'm not saying that every woman who engages in these activities is seeking beauty. for some people, these things make them happy. go be happy.