tales of a scorned receptionist

dear universe,

i heart my job.
for the most part.

but let's just be honest.

some people are flipping insane.

i have took the pleasure of "grouping" them into certain categories.
it should go, without saying, that to be grouped in these categories.
is not a compliment.

1. the victim.
basically. the world is against them. and no one will ever understand. ever.
the victim usually requires immediate care.
they have fleeting moments of confidence where they decide they must seek help now. when you offer your next available appointment (usually 2 days later), they become angry. they often heavily rely on and overuse the sentence "you just don't understand" to which i reply "i do understand. i don't think you understand. this is not an emergency clinic and i do not have the availability to book people in last minute. my earliest opening is thursday at noon. take it or leave it".**

** i have developed what i like to refer to as the "receptionist b!tch alter ego" but for the most part, i am a super pleasant person.

2. the world revolves around me.
if you book an appointment..it is your responsibility to be at that appointment. such is life. if you need to cancel an appointment..that is really fine by me. however. do not call and ask me to personally call every person that week and see if anyone will switch appointment times with you. that is quite possibly the most ridiculous and selfish request anyone could make. i only give you props for having the gusto to make such a request.

3. the you know what i need.
i do not spend my days studying your file. in fact, that would be illegal. so when you stroll in here off the street and request a supplement refill by using the words "it's what i got last time", i am inclined to stare at you blankly and respond with "i need exact names and potency if need be". apparently this is a problem for the you know what i need individuals. they become angered yet they cannot say much. what could they really say? "you mean i am expected to know what kinds of supplements i am taking?!" maybe they should say that. it would become evident how ridiculous they are being. i imagine they would stop mid-sentence and then trail off into a world of embarrassment.

4. the best friend you never had wanted.
do not under any circumstances call me and tell me in great detail about your entire cycle. i do not care what color your discharge is. i have my own cycle to worry about it.

5. the i have to write a paper and cannot possibly do with a headache.
this will not get you an appointment at 5:30 pm once all the nd's have left. and it certainly will not get you sympathy from me. i write papers all the time. on no sleep. with headaches. and no general interest in what i am writing.

6. the my kid just did something bad and i could care less.
how lovely. your little sweet pea just locked the bathroom door and then closed it. it happens. kids are kids and that is cool by me. however. you are not a kid and, therefore, should not approach the situation like a child. no, we do not have a key. this house and that door knob are ancient. the only reason you are concerned is because he left his empty lunch bag in there. the only reason?! no need to worry about the trail of dancing people at the bathroom door.

7. the i screened your call and didn't listen to the message but called back to see what you needed.
really? really!? listen to your messages!!

and my personal favorite:

8. the i called to make an appointment but do not have my schedule
why are you calling me to make an appointment and then replying with "oh, i don't know my schedule" think about how ridiculous that is. and then call me back when you know your damn schedule.

yours truly,
brittany's alter ego: receptionist b!tch