new(ness)

cheryl strayed is a woman after my own heart.
her words on the becoming cross my mind every single day.
especially those days where some jackass of a man is standing in front of me
trying to trivialize me at one of my two part time gigs and he says
"okay, darling?  you understand, darling?"
in a way that makes me think he has said this all before to some other darling.
and right before this darling blows her cap off, i remember that it will not always be like this.
i will not always work two unfulfilling jobs running on nothing but a green tea high.
these days are the becoming.


these days need to be documented.
and so they will be.


here.


the how

once upon two months ago, a friend and i sat with strong coffee in our hands and oh-so-much in our hearts.
we are seekers, you see.
we want success as we define it.
ultimately, it has little to do with money.
in this housing market and the fact that we both have liberal arts degrees and, let's just be honest with each other, ain't nobody interested in yet another prairie girl with a liberal arts degree...
aye, yes.
it has very little to do with money because we have come to accept that money likely will not come easily.
and that's okay.
we want small spaces.
creaky wooden floors that have been walked upon by many before us.
small stoves and the scent of banana bread wafting through the air.
lights that flicker for seconds before they decide to greet us with their bright bulbs.
windows that open just enough to get some fresh air.
love. 
we want a small piece of land.
for a small garden.
we want small cupboards filled with just enough dishes
and fridges filled with just enough food.
we want just enough.
nothing more and nothing less.
and yet this still comes as a challenge.

we stared at each other.
gutted.
not quite sure what to do next.

alright, what do you want?

deep sigh.

i want...i want...damnit, i want one.good.beet. 

and, voila.


the why

being a twenty-something gal is both a wonder and a fright.
between the construct of beauty (you know, the botox at twenty five)
the bizarre sexual encounters ripe with lack of experience
mean tweets
career goals
lack of career goals (aka holy-fuck-what-am-i-doing-with-my-life goals)
babies
dating
eating right
bullies that long out last high school (what's it to 'em, any way?)
babies
oh, finding that perfect job
and may as well throw in the man too
did i have a baby yet?
bridezillas (we all know one)
fashion (but what do I really know about this? my favourite jacket is something I bought in grade 5)
new age spirituality shit

i guess, ultimately, if you can both cry hysterically and laugh whole-heartily in one day, there is a real story to be shared there. so, the why really becomes...why not share it?

the who

i guess, me?
but hopefully also you because i surely am not the only twenty-something gal with something to say.


disclaimer

i know nothing about most things
(web design included)
i cannot take a "polished" picture and i rarely use proper grammar (i know how to, i just choose not to...i sort of have an attitude problem).
so, i guess, have low expectations?
yes.
that is what i was trying to go for.

talk soon,
twenty-something and one helluva mess.

p.s. i have a dozen good beets in my garden right now. 

the saluting and the sweating and the everything in between

i once watched a woman do sun salutations for two hours

breathe in
arms up
breath out
down
breathe in
long back, look forward

i could only wonder

what on earth is she doing?

sun salutations and i have this thing; we call it a maximum of fifteen.
and then the sun and i have kind of met our limit, you know?

well, i get it.
i finally get it.

11:30 PM.

i toss and turn and finally i give up
i find myself on my yoga mat
and i breathe in
arms up
breathe out
down

and i salute and i salute and i salute
and i sweat and i sweat and i sweat
and, finally, i get it.

sometimes the heart is so damn heavy.
you have to keep going until it feels light again.

and i end in savasana
saying

dandelion, 
dandelion, 
dandelion....

pretending my pain is light and fluffy seeds that float away into the abyss
and, then, i sleep.