forgiveness

i want to forgive myself for sleeping in, drinking that extra latte, buying those shoes, picking all the vegetables off my pizza that one time i was hellbent on avoiding any nutrients, laughing too loud, crying too much, loving whole-heartedly, speaking english to that one french man..

i want to forgive myself for the nights i stumble home exhausted.

too exhausted to wash off my make up. instead, i collapse into bed.

i want to forgive myself for being weak.

or, rather, being strong for too long.

and then, suddenly, it is harder to breathe.

and i have to ask someone to tell me it is ok.

and i have to do this over and over again.

because, despite my best efforts, i do not believe them.

i want to forgive myself for those days i just do not have the power for a practice.

instead, i roll out my yoga mat and i curl up just to take a nap.

i want to forgive myself for those times i feel a burst of emotion in my heart

and it makes me want to trace your entire body with my fingertips before you disappear and i am left alone.

but i don't. even though i want to.

i lay there. quiet. scared to move.

instead, i roll over and place my back right against yours.

if you move, i do too.

i want to forgive myself.

and why shouldn't i?

this life belongs to me.

it is shaky at best. but it is mine. and for the first time, i want to take care of myself in a way that acknowledges my shortcomings. lord knows i have plenty.

i want to quiet the voice in my head that doubts i am doing the right thing at the right time.

and i want to laugh loud. cry lots. do yoga. or skip class and eat ice cream. twirl my hair in between my fingers as i contemplate life. or lunch.

i want to love. love. love.