acutely aware

heavy eyelids

a cats purr

breath

how it comes,

goes,

and, sometimes, stops completely

the aching of loss

the sensation of bangs on my brows

a good silk scarf

colour

the smell of rain

cozy dwellings

family

life

moments

tear drops

the smell of patchouli

bean sprouts

tea

bringing me back

i remember

what the air smelt like

just before it started to rain

racing outside and dancing in the rain

opening my mouth and eagerly catching rain drops

walking along the sidewalk just to count the earthworms that came out

magically, it seems, to enjoy the rain like i did

the taste of carrots

fresh out of the earth

the call of a robin

watching the flocks of birds

landing on those berry branches

eating till they were stuffed to the brim

and chirping merrily, drunk on their reaping

scouting a hummingbird

as quickly as they come

and go

scooping water out from the rain barrel

just to splash it on my face

standing under a weeping willow

in awe, as i realized how small i really was

using the fresh cut grass

as a launching pad

springing my body up and over

forming cartwheels, flips, and somersaults

those memories

those scents

those feelings

are forever wrapped in my memory

and as she reverts back, so do i.

i'm with her.

and everything has come alive.

unread pages

there are some chapters in my life that i cannot share.

i have yet to decide if it is because i sincerely do not want to

or because i know the depths of my open wounds

and i cannot risk any salt.

either way.

there are some pages that are to remain untouched.

they are sacred.

if you must know something,

then you can know only this

i hold her hand

close my eyes

and listen to her steady breathing

i feel the back of my hand grow moist

as she exhales onto my skin

i rest my head against her

and i say the only prayer i know.

the only prayer that i turn to when i need peace.

shanti shanti shanti

peace peace peace

i say it over and over and over again.

i say it with such focus, such intention, such force

and i hope, with all i have left in me, that it will fulfill it's promise.

keep your head up

for the past week, this song has followed me. everywhere.

in the car, in stores, on the radio...

i cannot help but think that someone..something... knew i would need it.

i hope all is well with you and your loved ones

and may you hold them all a little closer.

i know i am.