i decided yesterday that i was going to write an angry letter
( a tad greenburg of me, no? )
but i didn't know who the recipient should be
so
i wrote several
dear pump 2 gas station users:
i understand. why would you want a receipt proving you paid a ridiculous amount of money just to get from point a to point b. maybe you were even rushing. it was, after all, precisely 7:32 AM when i stumbled upon a trail of receipts flowing in the wind. it may look nice. poetically appeasing perhaps. but it is certainly not eco friendly and it is certainly not brittany friendly. here is a mind blowing recommendation: if you don't want this little piece of paper( which by the way - has your monies information on it. consider yourself lucky i'm not a criminal mastermind ) maybe you should wait the whole 2 seconds it takes to print and tear it off and put it in the garbage can 2 feet away. even better, you could put it in your little pocket and recycle it later. just don't ( don't! )leave it there to maniacally blow around in the wind.
dear abusers of the 20 feet from the building smoking law:
i know you see the sign. it's impossible to miss. so why would you light up a whole 1 foot outside the building? non-smokers (like me) have to walk through your cloud of heavy chemical smell just to get some fresh air. the kicker? this building has "a scent free policy" that is shouted to everyone who steps foot inside. heck, if you are really pushing it you may even get cornered on unit e by the filing cabinet and be "identified" as someone who wears scents or maybe you just "naturally smell really good" ( i guess i do, thank you for the compliment ) the best kicker?! the queen abuser has a scent free policy sign on her door. ( no. can't be!? ) but it is. part of me wants to rip that sign down and burn it with her smoke-stained lighter.
dear city of regina
re: 13th avenue
you really really really need a bike lane on this street. stop messing around and take that all that money you were putting into replacing beautiful trees with awful metal sculptures and create more bike lanes in the city. what a thought that would be.
dear anon giver of keys
why would you give me the useless key that "grants me access" to the bike door. no. i'll tell you what i get access to: a flight of concrete steps with approx 2 feet at the bottom and then a concrete wall. i must carry my bicycle down these steps..(carefully!) if i stumble i will crack my head open and never be found. if i manage to get down these steps i will finally get to the door. oh. wait a minute. i need those 2 feet available so i can swing open the door to get in. who enjoys a balancing act at 730 AM? ok, right leg you hold that bicycle up on that 2nd and 3rd step and left leg you stand guard and make sure nothing bad happens to right leg. now upper torso you rotate 90 degrees and right hand you get the key in the door while left hand you pull the door open. the kicker? there is a massive garage door on the opposite side of the building that effortlessly opens and closes. are you kidding me? oh, and don't forgot the really fun balancing act to get the bike back out at approximately 4:35 PM. i think i may have the perfect spot for you to put those keys when i give them back.
i feel slightly better
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